My whole life is an experiment . . . sometimes I get surprising results. - C Erdmann

Monday, January 26, 2015

expectations of/from self

Me at about age 4. Cute as a button!
I'm not the person I thought I would grow into you know.
Where is the happy, strongly independent woman I should have been, I thought I would have been? The same woman who should have been successful with no worries about money, health or guilt(for numerous reasons)?

Married 1983 ~ Happy and so much hope and potential for a an exciting life ahead. Thankfully we're still together. His story is his own.

As I sit here only a few weeks away from turning 59 I just feel tired, beaten, sad and stuck without any idea where I'm going. For some time I've been watching time get away from me, very quickly, and I find that quite scary! I have become very apathetic and 'just don't feel like it' or 'just don't want to do it!'
Perhaps it has a bit to do with this appalling heat we're having here where I live in south east Queensland this summer. Well, at this point of time anyway. It just seems to suck all the energy and motivation right out of me! I'm also still having flushes from the hormone unbalance that comes with menopause, and though I once loved the hot sunny weather when I was younger, I'm finding it so very hard to cope with these days. Have you noticed that you're finding everything harder the older you get, if you feel behind the 8 ball?! Whoo! I know I have! :)

I feel there are a number of reasons for feeling/being who I am today. Emotional upheaval from menopause, above mentioned hot climate, being stuck in noisy suburbia amongst others a wee bit too personal to mention.

A couple of weeks ago I had a moment where I thought to myself "I DO NOT want to live the rest of my life feeling this bad!"
So I decided to change some things in my life ~ my way of eating, make a vision board, stop beating myself up for things that aren't done(work in progress!!), try to do a bit more exercise(working on that too!), reading and doing more about good health and feeling happier. Hoping to add more good things, inspiration, to this list. Let go of some things, some ideas and ideals. Try new things, find another path.

Dishfunctional Designs: inspiration
Pinned from

If only this heat and/or the hot flushing would let up I might get there faster!  :)
I've tried changes before but they never stayed, always I let something get in the way. But I feel my resolve this time is stronger and I feel better about it all this time. Why am I publishing this for the whole world to read? I don't know really.....maybe something about putting it down on paper/in writing, so to speak, that might help move it along? and as I've seen other bloggers put it, I'll hopefully feel more committed to succeeding so I don't look or feel like a complete doofus!? lol

Meanwhile I am really enjoying all the tasty green smoothies for breakfast in my quest to add much more green plant life to my diet. In times of less stress and less heat I play around with some very yummy recipes that I find on the foodie blogs I've started following. Gluten free, vegan, even raw dishes, no processed foods!

Cilantro Spinach Sweet Potato Soup ~ My New Roots even my husband enjoyed this bowl of lush green gorgeousness!  :)

Here's to much more energy and happy in my life!

The trouble is, you think you have time.  ~  Buddha


  1. Hello Pam, I'm glad you posted your feelings. I've been there myself. I'll be turning 69 this year. YIKES! I think most of us face what you are going through and it's okay. Going through menopause isn't a cake walk. Those hat flashes do get better and for some the go away completely. You green soup looks yummy to me too. You are handling it all as you should. I like your quote at the end. Be good to yourself each day. Hugs, Linda

  2. So sorry you are feeling so out of sorts....sounds like you are making some good changes...taking back choices and seeing little improvements hopefully will help you move to a place where life is easier.....take care I am sure there are many around you that love you heaps. Xxx

  3. I hear ya sister! How I miss those days when people said "Boy, it's hot isn't it?" and I'd say, "is it?" We will survive and soar, any day now.

  4. Hi sweetie, I'm so sorry you feel bad. Wish I could do something to bring you a big smile (and some cool weather!). You can keep your head high and shoulders straight though, for I think you're a beautiful soul. And you are doing so well with the changes you made. Sending you big hugs and wishing you a peaceful refreshing day, xxx

  5. I so hear you and feel you right now, I am starting to experience the same thing, I feel my body is heating up most of the time, I get agitated easily, trying hard to be "upbeat" everyday, really hard. Things around aren't smooth, I try finding quotes and writing that keep me going, sigh... I am trying. Big hugs to you today!

  6. Well now, I know I am a tad late in reading this my lovely, but I thought you had stepped back from blogging so I haven't visited you, you see. I now understand where you have been on facebook :-) and I get it ! I am turning 60 this year and am feeling exactly...exactly...exactly the same as you and as you know have put my feelings on my blog, with consequences. I am mostly through the hot flushes phase, but the heat in now an enemy, I feel sad, invisible and as though life is speeding by and all of the plans and dreams are fading into the sunsets. I want to come and give you a big hug hook my arm in yours and go for a long walk on a tree line country lane and just talk,laugh and compare and tell you & myself we are still valuable, we are still clever talented ladies, who don't have to prove our worth to the world. As for finding that "get up and go" feeling mine got up and left some time ago, and I hope it comes back soon cause I could use it right now. So my friend you see you are not alone, we are all in that place with you.Sending you hugs & Loving you lots xoxoxo

  7. You're not alone Pam. I will soon be 63 and I find the whole aging process making life more difficult,sometimes sad and bittersweet. There are days when I force myself from the bed wondering why bother. It's not all days and every day but enough to sometimes make me want to go back in time and do it all again knowing what I know now. I would definitely do some things so differently. ;) Bette Davis once said "Old age ain't for sissies". I think she had it right. lol

  8. Oh I know the problems... I'm 55 and I hope, the menopausal time goes over (since 16 months have a heavy insomnia, that says all, I think - )
    Lucky to live in Germany, here is not so heat at most time.
    I'm blogging to show myself the beauty of my very little world around, that's my way... as long, as I can see yet a bit, often I make photos and only at the screen can see the details. I'm seeing through my camera lens, what my eyes no more can see...
    Glad, that I found your blog and will visit it regularly
    Good luck for you and have a nice new week :-)


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~~"Dare to Dream"

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